Senate Confirms Man Who Believes Justice Dept. Is Just Trump's Personal Suggestion Box

Washington D.C. — In a move widely lauded by those who believe the U.S. Constitution is more of a 'choose your own adventure' novel, the Senate has overwhelmingly confirmed Todd Blanche, whose judicial philosophy can be distilled to a simple premise: the Department of Justice is essentially an extension of the President's whims, much like a well-trained poodle, but with more subpoena power. Sources close to the confirmation process noted that senators were particularly impressed by Blanche's unwavering commitment to the concept of executive omnipotence, reportedly asking, 'So, you're saying the President can just... tell them what to do? Like, with a note? Or maybe a wink?' This groundbreaking interpretation of checks and balances promises to streamline governmental efficiency by eliminating the pesky need for independent legal review, allowing the Executive Branch to operate with the fluid grace of a single, all-powerful mind. Critics, meanwhile, are left scratching their heads, wondering if the next judicial nominee will advocate for replacing all Supreme Court justices with trained parrots programmed to squawk 'The President is always right!' on command.