SCOTUS Generously Grants Toddlers 'Right to Exist' in Shocking Reversal

In a move that caught precisely zero sentient beings by surprise, the Supreme Court has finally deigned to acknowledge the fundamental humanity of children born within U.S. borders. This landmark 'Birthright Citizenship Order' effectively dismantles one of the more flamboyant flourishes of the previous administration's 'America First, Unless You're Already Here' immigration manifesto. Experts are hailing the decision as a decisive victory for common sense, particularly for those whose common sense hasn't been replaced by a rotating selection of cable news grievances. While the jubilant masses celebrate this small, almost quaint, upholding of a 156-year-old constitutional amendment, cynics (or, as they're known in Washington, 'people with internet access') are quick to point out that this judicial act of extreme graciousness merely peels back one layer of the bureaucratic onion, revealing hundreds more restriction-flavored layers beneath. Critics suggest the ruling is less a comprehensive overhaul and more akin to carefully removing one particularly offensive 'kick me' sign from an already extensively 'kick me' adorned donkey, while proudly patting oneself on the back for 'solving the donkey problem.' The court's next challenge, presumably, will be to decide if houseplants are eligible for postal service.