Rutte Preps for Trump: Diplomat Designs High-Security 'Toddler-Proof' State Dinner Protocol

Washington D.C. sources, or rather, the very expensive and extremely stressed-out therapists employed by Washington D.C., confirm that NATO Secretary General Mark Rutte is reportedly undergoing specialized 'Trump Whisperer' training ahead of his pivotal meeting with the former President. This intensive course, unofficially titled 'Advanced De-Escalation for the Emotionally Potent Principals,' is rumored to include modules on 'Deploying Praise as a Defensive Tactic,' 'The Strategic Application of Sugar-Free Sweets,' and 'How to Convert Twitter Rants into Actionable Policy Points (Good Luck With That).' European leaders, long accustomed to statesmanship that involves more than just not getting publicly excoriated, are said to be watching with bated breath, hoping Rutte's seemingly unflappable demeanor can withstand the 'geopolitical equivalent of a toddler finding a permanent marker and a white couch.' Critics, however, suggest Rutte's true genius lies not in managing Trump, but in making the rest of the world believe such a feat is even remotely possible. His 'frustrating' style apparently involves a lot of exasperated sighs and a quiet desperation for early retirement benefits.