RFK Jr. Tapped to Redefine 'Special' Education: Expect More Lead Paint and Less Gluten

Washington D.C. sources, or at least sources vaguely gesturing towards the Capitol, confirm that Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is poised to revolutionize the field of special education, much to the collective, albeit non-verbal, horror of anyone who’s ever met a child. Disability advocates are reportedly experiencing an entirely novel form of 'alarm' – a sensation previously reserved for tax season and lukewarm coffee – as the Trump administration’s plan to shift special education programs into RFK Jr.'s burgeoning department takes grotesque shape. \n\nThe move, hailed by some as a bold step towards 'holistic' learning, primarily involves replacing evidence-based curricula with a rigorous exploration of vaccine inserts and the pervasive influence of Wi-Fi signals on brain development. One insider, who wished to remain anonymous lest their quinoa supply be jeopardized, suggested the new program might include a mandatory unit on the 'healing powers of artisanal well water.' Students are expected to emerge from the program not just educated, but 'enlightened,' presumably about the vast, unacknowledged conspiracy to fluoridate their juices.