Redmond Researchers Confirm: Machines Still Need Money

In a stunning display of corporate foresight, Microsoft, after experiencing a 31% surge in profits, has announced its intention to funnel even more exorbitant sums into the digital ether known as 'artificial intelligence.' This bold move, analysts suggest, is akin to a dragon hoarding gold in the hopes it will magically transmute into a bigger, more efficient hoard-hoarding dragon. "We've discovered that these so-called 'neural networks' perform optimally when fed a steady diet of human capital," explained Chief Algorithm Whisperer Brenda 'Brain Drain' Smith, polishing a monocle entirely for effect. Critics, presumably those still tethered to reality, question whether an empire built on speculative silicone will eventually just collapse into a singular, all-consuming pop-up ad for itself. Meanwhile, a newly optimized AI, reportedly capable of flawlessly generating 30,000 corporate apology emails per second, politely requested a bigger server farm, preferably one powered by the pure, unadulterated joy of forgotten office workers.