Reality Itself Now Lobbying President for Less 'Vulnerability'

In a display of political courage rarely seen outside of a particularly aggressive game of musical chairs, a significant portion of the Republican legislative body has opted for an interpretive dance of 'polite absence' regarding former President Trump's latest electoral lamentations. Sources close to the proceedings — mostly a stack of unused suggestion box cards — confirm that the erstwhile commander-in-chief’s impassioned push for the 'Secure American Votes and Elections' (SAVE) Act landed with the subtle emotional impact of a mime performing in an empty auditorium. It seems even the most ardent proponents of electoral hygiene found their enthusiasm for legislative reform momentarily misplaced, perhaps under a particularly well-upholstered divan. The prevailing mood among G.O.P. officials could be best described as an 'acute case of strategic silence,' wherein the audible absence of endorsement is artfully mistaken for wisdom. One anonymous aide, speaking from behind a potted plant, hinted that the delicate ballet of legislative priorities currently involves ensuring one's own re-election chances remain untainted by either explicit agreement or defiant disagreement. The SAVE Act, meanwhile, is now widely considered to be languishing in a 'development hell' adjacent to sentient toasters and the comprehensive reform of daylight saving time.