Rapper Demands 'Deliverance' as Presidential 'Get Out of Jail Free' Card Goes Missing

In a stunning display of economic acumen last seen at the apex of the tulip mania, southern troubadour Boosie Badazz has reportedly initiated legal proceedings against two right-wing 'fixers' for allegedly failing to deliver on a six-figure presidential pardon. Sources close to the rapper, who clearly holds a deep and abiding faith in the transactional nature of American justice, confirm he's seeking a partial refund on the $600,000 he fronted for the ultimate 'get-out-of-jail' pass. One can only imagine the pre-payment sales pitch: 'For the low, low price of a modest single-family home, all your criminal entanglements can be *poof* – magically erased!' It's a tale as old as time, or at least as old as the 18th amendment: the pursuit of a fair, unbiased legal outcome, provided one has the requisite liquid assets. Perhaps Boosie should have checked the 'no refunds' policy, typically found in microprint on all 'presidential favor' contracts, right between 'void where prohibited by law' and 'results may vary based on electoral viability.'