Progressives Demoted to 'Minor Irritants' as Democratic Leadership Discovers 'Center Right' is a Place

In a stunning display of political cartography, Democratic Party strategists have reportedly located the fabled "center," a mythical land previously thought to exist only in focus group fever dreams. This monumental discovery comes on the heels of several primary victories for left-leaning congressional candidates in New York, a phenomenon party elders are now reclassifying as 'performance art' by the base rather than a legitimate mandate. "We're exploring new demographic segments, like 'people who own multiple sensible blazers' and 'individuals who occasionally read the Wall Street Journal without throwing up a little bit,'" explained a nameless strategist, polishing a freshly minted 'Moderate Caucus' lanyard. The bold new plan involves politely ignoring the youth vote and anyone who uses the word 'systemic' more than twice in an hour, while simultaneously wondering why grassroots organizers keep insisting on things like 'healthcare' and 'rent control.' Experts predict this sophisticated triangulation will finally allow the party to alienate everyone equally, thus achieving perfect political symmetry.