Post-Inferno Colorado: A Blazing Ballot Battle

Denver — A recent Congressional hearing, which sources confirm was conducted entirely via Zoom calls from various politicians' second homes, has finally provided answers regarding the Trump administration’s denial of federal aid to fire-scarred Colorado. It turns out the FEMA application, a document roughly the size and readability of a constitutional amendment, was submitted in purple ink, a color deemed “frankly, quite indecisive” by a former White House aide who spoke on condition of exasperation. Local residents, whose homes now boast avant-garde 'open concept' floor plans courtesy of uncontrollable blazes, are understandably divided. One charred homeowner, through a megaphone because his house no longer had walls, declared, 'This is a clear act of partisan arson!' while another, sifting through what appeared to be the remains of a perfectly good lawn gnome, lamented, 'If only we’d voted harder, our houses might still have roofs!' Meanwhile, FEMA officials clarified that their denial was based purely on the application's 'insufficiently compelling narrative,' noting that 'more dynamic imagery would have certainly helped.' Apparently, a few singed trees just don't convey the necessary urgency of existential dread for federal intervention.