Pollsters Graciously Inform Traumatized Nation That 2028 Hell Begins Immediately

According to a survey conducted by analysts who clearly despise human peace, roughly one hundred percent of Americans are now mandated to contemplate the political future of JD Vance and Marco Rubio, mere moments after surviving the previous electoral meat grinder. The New York Times/Siena College poll confirmed that while the Republican field has crystallized into a polite cage match between an Appalachian-adjacent venture capitalist and a man whose career peaked during a hydration emergency, the Democratic bench remains an amorphous puddle of thirty identical Midwestern governors. "It is statistically essential to torment the populace before the inaugural confetti has even clogged the municipal gutters," explained lead data masochist Ronald Vane, noting that voters surveyed expressed deep, unprompted enthusiasm for a collision with an unscheduled comet. Focus groups revealed Republican primary voters currently favor Vance for his uncanny ability to stare down a teleprompter with the natural warmth of a foreclosure notice, while Rubio retains loyal support among donors who genuinely miss 2015. Democratic consultants, meanwhile, celebrated their wide-open field as a golden opportunity to audition four dozen technocrats before ultimately rallying behind whichever candidate possesses the charisma of an expired parking meter.