Poll Workers Issue Kevlar 'I Voted' Stickers Ahead of Expected Federal Invasion

Municipal election boards nationwide have finalized their standard quadrennial readiness protocol, which now includes stocking extra 'I Voted' stickers, lubricating the ballot scanners, and fortifying high school gymnasiums against armed incursions by their own federal government. According to updated training manuals, volunteer poll workers—historically trusted to dispense butterscotch candies and direct confused seniors toward curtained kiosks—are now receiving tactical briefings on how to tackle Department of Homeland Security operatives attempting to confiscate touch-screen terminals mid-tally. "If an unidentified federal monitor attempts an unsanctioned asset seizure, we instruct volunteers to deploy defensive folding-chair formations while shouting clear, non-partisan boundary statements," explained Maricopa County precinct captain Brenda Hollowell, loading a water gun with lukewarm tap water. The strategy reflects a delicate modern compromise: preserving the sacrosanct, peaceful transfer of power while treating federal agencies like a roving horde of pillagers in windbreakers. Emergency drills conclude with speed-laminating provisional ballots to ensure voter intent survives flashbang deployment.