Philanthropic Patriot Finds Altruism Too Taxing, Relies On Bugatti for Support

It appears the American dream – the one where you fleece gullible patriots while posing as a freedom fighter – has hit a snag. Guo Wengui, formerly a Chinese billionaire and, more importantly, a Bannon associate (because nothing says 'anti-communism' like associating with a man who has perfected the art of strategic dishevelment), has been summarily sentenced for separating well-meaning citizens from their meager savings. Sources within his lavish, taxpayer-funded (kidding, mostly) lifestyle reported that the mental burden of 'crusading' became so immense, it necessitated an immediate purchase of multiple opulent residences and a Bugatti. Apparently, the proletariat simply cannot grasp the sheer psychological toll of maintaining such a vigorously principled front. The defense, we're told, argued that Mr. Wengui was merely engaging in 'pre-emptive wealth redistribution,' ensuring capital remained in private hands – his hands, specifically – rather than falling into the clutches of... well, not the Chinese Communist Party, obviously. It's a nuanced distinction lost on federal judges still clinging to antiquated notions of 'fraud' and 'fiduciary duty.' One can only imagine the sheer existential dread of having to choose between a sensible sedan and a 16-cylinder symbol of defiance against totalitarianism. Clearly, the latter is the more patriotic, albeit financially expedient, choice.