Pentagon Reinstates 'Bring Your Own Handler' Policy for Press Corps: A Win for Managed Transparency

In a decisive leap backward for journalistic independence, a federal appeals court has generously gifted the Pentagon back its cherished right to infantilize the press. Starting immediately, reporters daring to traverse the hallowed, fluorescent-lit halls of the nation's defense establishment will once again be chaperoned like particularly curious toddlers in a china shop – or, more accurately, like highly flammable objects in a nitroglycerin factory. This temporary reinstatement of the 'escort policy' comes as The New York Times valiantly attempts to pry open the DoD’s notoriously opaque kimono, inadvertently proving that some institutions are simply more comfortable with a strategically placed modesty panel. Critics, largely confined to newsrooms and various dimly lit basements, decry the move as an affront to accountability. However, Pentagon officials, who undoubtedly view journalistic scrutiny with the same fondness reserved for a colonoscopy performed by a badger, insist the policy merely ensures 'optimal informational flow' – a process apparently best achieved when every word uttered is pre-vetted by a handler whose primary directive is to emit the soothing, non-committal hum of a broken refrigerator. Expect future 'exclusive' reports to read less like investigative journalism and more like highly stylized brochures, complete with stock photos of beaming, diverse service members and captions like, 'Here, a soldier demonstrates the profound efficacy of stapling documents efficiently.'