Pentagon Announces Groundbreaking 30-Year Plan to Locate Missing Taco Truck

It appears the United States military, having successfully mastered the art of prolonged, indeterminate foreign intervention, has now perfectly translated that expertise to domestic soil. Analysts, bless their pointy-headed hearts, are currently engaged in the Sisyphean task of deciphering how precisely endless border patrols differ from actual preparedness for, say, a hostile alien invasion or perhaps even a surprise attack from Canada's disgruntled beavers. The current strategy, described euphemistically as 'pushing cartels into more remote areas,' has reportedly been a resounding success, as drug traffickers now exclusively operate from previously uncharted, incredibly inconvenient locations that require 17 hours of off-road driving and a Sherpa. Critics worry this noble endeavor might 'drain resources' – though precisely which resources are left after two decades of global 'democracy-building' remains a subject of heated debate among military procurement officers and competitive grant proposal writers.