Park Rangers Confirm Yellowstone Was Too Embarrassed To Eat Just One Dog

It appears the legendary wilds of Yellowstone National Park, bastion of untamed nature and predatory efficiency, have a crippling commitment problem. Officials confirmed Tuesday that Luna, a 10-year-old Jack Russell-Chihuahua mix, was recovered after a full month traversing the park's majestic, food-rich, and — apparently — canine-averse landscape. Despite shedding a rather fashionable half of her body weight (a figure many human Yellowstone visitors pay handsomely for via juice cleanses), Luna emerged otherwise intact, a living testament to either canine resilience or the inexplicable squeamishness of apex predators. Conservationists are now scrambling to understand why the park’s myriad wolves, bears, and bobcats demonstrated such peculiar restraint, leading to speculation that perhaps Luna simply didn't fit their precise dietary macros, or perhaps she just wasn't 'the one.' The incident has sparked concerns that Yellowstone's wildlife, much like certain human dating app users, might be getting 'too picky' in an era of abundant options, jeopardizing the delicate balance of the food chain.