Pakistan's Hottest Commodity Now Just... Hot Air

In a development that has scientists scratching their heads and economists adjusting their monocles, the Red Chili Capital of Pakistan has officially begun producing more existential dread than actual red chiles. Farmers, long revered for their ability to coax fiery goodness from the earth, are now reportedly training for a new career: professional climate change lamenters. With temperatures soaring to 'surface of the sun, but with more humidity' levels, the traditional cultivation methods – which largely involved 'putting seeds in the ground and hoping for the best' – have proven tragically inadequate. Experts suggest a pivot to growing 'drought-resistant despair' or perhaps 'inflation-proof ennui' could be the region's new cash crop. Local agricultural official, Dr. Faisel "The Pepper Whisperer" Khan, was quoted as saying, "We tried everything: ancient incantations, modern irrigation, even politely asking the sun to chill out. Nothing worked. Our chiles are now so stressed, they're developing anxiety disorders."