Oval Office Hosts 8-Hour 'Fact-Finding' Session on Why Top Secret Leaks Aren't More Fun For Everyone

In a display of presidential meticulousness usually reserved for selecting optimal golf course divot-repair techniques, the White House recently repurposed a significant chunk of Friday into a high-stakes, eight-hour brain trust. The esteemed gathering, personally directed by the Executive Branch's current occupant, focused with laser-like precision on an FBI investigation into the security of Air Force One. Sources close to the proceedings confirm that FBI Director Christopher Wray, after being escorted through a labyrinth of potted plants and historical busts, was tasked with unraveling the perplexing mystery of how journalists manage to report on things that are, by design, not meant for reporting. Insiders suggest the inquiry briefly veered into a philosophical debate regarding whether 'top secret' truly meant 'top secret' or merely 'a suggestion to not be a tattletale,' before returning to the more pressing matter of subpoenaing several *Times* reporters. The administration, demonstrating an admirable commitment to transparency-adjacent activities, hopes this intensive deep dive will prevent future journalistic incursions into matters that are exclusively the business of the government and, occasionally, the QAnon faithful.