Oklahoma Republicans Discover 'Tradition' Extends Beyond Denying Earth is Round

In a stunning display of ideological hair-splitting, Oklahomans will now choose between a firebrand and, apparently, a slightly less-on-fire brand of Republicanism. State Lawmaker Tom Jones (R-Molten Rock Township) — whose campaign slogan, 'Remember the Alamo? We'll Do It Again, But With More Jesus!' proved a modest vote-getter — will face off against Pastor Jedediah "The Holyroller" Smith, backed by a discerning former president. Sources close to the Jones campaign insist his platform is simply 'classic values, just… louder,' a nuance that, much like quantum physics, remains lost on certain demographics. Pastor Smith, whose Sunday sermons often resemble enthusiastic campaign rallies (with more speaking in tongues and less audited financial statements), has promised to bring 'divine intervention' to the legislative process. Critics, presumably those who believe in little things like 'separation of church and state' or 'not yelling at constituents about damnation,' are reportedly 'concerned.' Meanwhile, political analysts are hailing this runoff as a pivotal moment for the Sooner State, finally allowing voters to discern what specific shade of crimson-red outrage best represents their deeply held, albeit freshly manufactured, resentments.