Ohioans Vow Soaring Electric Bills for Slop Warehouses Won’t Taint Ballot Box

In a triumph of partisan brand loyalty over basic thermoregulation, Ohio voters confirmed this week that watching their utility bills quadruple to power monolithic data centers will have zero impact on their electoral choices. Residents across the Buckeye State reported feeling an intimate, civic thrill knowing their local coal grid is burning at maximum capacity solely to sustain the thermal load of three million abandoned corporate slide decks and automated spam farms. “Sure, my living room is fifty degrees and the monthly bill resembles a hospital invoice, but those windowless concrete cubes require staggering voltage to generate deepfake cooking tutorials,” explained Canton machinist Dale Farrow, proudly shivering beneath three coats while preparing to re-elect the exact commissioners who granted the facility a permanent tax abatement. “Democracy isn’t about self-preservation; it’s about ensuring an offshore holding company has enough juice to automate my cousin’s job.” Analysts noted that while energy prices remain a top grievance, Ohioans traditionally prefer expressing existential dread by quietly decaying in their armchairs rather than disrupting established local dynasties.