Ocean Floor to Finally Achieve Peak Environmental Degradation, Says Metals CEO

In a bold move that has experts scratching their heads and marine life frantically updating their LinkedIn profiles, Gerard Barron, CEO of The Metals Company, recently pitched deep-sea mining as a net positive for the planet. 'Think of it this way,' Barron reportedly mused to a captive audience of increasingly damp investors, 'we've already ruined all the good land. Why stop there when there's an entire unexplored, pristine ecosystem just *begging* to be converted into smartphone components?' Barron’s compelling argument hinged on the innovative concept that if you make enough of a mess in one place, it paradoxically makes all the other messes look smaller. Critics, presumably those who believe 'environment' isn't just a synonym for 'resource extraction opportunity,' have pointed out that deep-sea ecosystems are unique and largely unstudied. But Barron, ever the pragmatist, countered, 'Precisely! They're like a blank canvas, just waiting for the rich, mineral-laden texture of industrial-scale dredging.' He then reportedly unveiled concept art of a future ocean floor, now 30% more 'efficiently utilized' and 100% 'less naturally biodiverse,' to a standing ovation from a panel of underwater robotic vacuum cleaners.