Nvidia, Fearing a Pox Upon Its Scrooge McDuck Money Bin, Authorizes Record Cash Dispenser Malfunction

In a move that has fiscal conservatives clutching their pearls and economists Googling 'What is infinite money, actually?', tech behemoth Nvidia has reportedly added a staggering $150 billion to its already substantial stock buyback authorization. This latest fiscal flex, coming just four months after a paltry $80 billion top-up, brings the total remaining authorized amount to a mind-numbing $235 billion – enough to single-handedly fund a small nation-state's annual budget, or perhaps finally buy everyone a working internet connection. Company insiders, speaking on condition of anonymity from their yachts, confirmed the decision was largely driven by a 'moral imperative' to prevent their colossal mountain of cash from spontaneously combusting due to sheer monetary density. 'It's less about boosting shareholder value,' explained one executive, 'and more about managing the existential threat of having so much liquid capital it warps spacetime. We're performing a public service, really, by turning potential financial singularity into slightly fewer shares available for plebians.' Critics, meanwhile, are wondering if the company plans to just buy *all* the stock back, effectively making Nvidia a very expensive, very private club for itself.