Nation's Servers Now Running on Vibes (and Diesel fumes)

In a move hailed by precisely no one familiar with the concept of 'peak load,' the former administration has unveiled its groundbreaking strategy to combat grid strain during the current 'surface of the sun' heatwave: simply instructing utility companies to ask their highest-consumption customers – specifically, gargantuan data centers humming with the collective anxieties of the internet – to fire up their backup generators. This unprecedented act of energy conservation through 100% additional energy consumption has been lauded by critics as "the energy equivalent of trying to lose weight by exclusively eating cake." Experts anticipate a seamless transition from drawing megawatts off the grid to belching particulate matter into the atmosphere, ensuring that while your TikTok feed remains uninterrupted, your lungs might experience a brief moment of existential dread. Sources close to the former White House claim this initiative was inspired by a particularly successful childhood playdate where a broken swing set was fixed by simply adding more children to it.