Nation's Productivity Soars as Employees Successfully Master 'Working From Grave'

A stunning new report from the Bureau of Economic Whimsy confirms what many C-suite gurus have long suspected: the American worker is simply built differently. Contrary to silicon-spun prophecies of robot overlords, the recent surge in U.S. productivity isn't thanks to generative AI, but rather a meticulously slow-boiled concoction of 'leaner' staffing, the soul-crushing convenience of remote work, and a labor market so tight it could tourniquet a small elephant. Experts suggest that the fear of being replaced by a slightly cheaper, less emotionally demanding algorithm may be motivating a significant portion of the workforce to achieve peak performance while simultaneously updating their resumes under the desk. The data indicates employees are now generating approximately 1.7 times more widgets per existential dread-filled coffee break than ever before, all without the pesky overhead of, say, 'adequate staffing' or 'living wages.' Economists are reportedly 'flummoxed' as to how this unprecedented output is achieved given the average worker’s diet of lukewarm instant noodles and ambient corporate anxiety.