Nation's Politicians Exhausted by Summer of 'Speed Dating' Primaries, Demand More 'Courtship Rituals' for Donors

Washington D.C. — As the summer sun sets on a blur of 'lightning-fast' primary elections, America's political class is reportedly experiencing an existential crisis, lamenting the truncated campaign season has left them insufficient time for traditional constituent manipulation. 'It's simply not enough time to properly alienate your base before pivoting frantically to the center,' wailed one anonymous strategist, reportedly fanning himself with a wad of unspent PAC money. The rapid-fire races, likened to 'European-style snap campaigns,' have forced candidates to compress their usual year-long charade of hand-shaking and baby-kissing into a mere few months, resulting in what experts are calling 'donor whiplash.' Indeed, the hurried schedule means that potential benefactors, usually accustomed to months of elaborate courtship rituals involving golf outings and promises of infrastructure contracts, are now being propositioned after only a few hastily-arranged power lunches. 'It's positively indecent!' exclaimed a visibly flustered lobbyist, adjusting his diamond-encrusted tie. 'One minute they're promising tax breaks for my fifth yacht, the next they're already moving on to the next special interest group like a cheap bar pick-up. Where's the dignity? Where's the carefully orchestrated illusion of mutual respect?' Political scientists, meanwhile, are struggling to explain the phenomenon, with one suggesting, 'Perhaps the electorate finally realized they don't *need* to hear five hundred identical stump speeches before making a poor choice.'