Nation's Highest Court Receives Urgent Request to Expedite American Self-Sabotage

In a move that has legal scholars everywhere nodding sagely at their own inevitable doom, the Trump administration has once again petitioned the Supreme Court to bless its fervent desire to make voting a more extreme sport. Apparently, the existing gauntlet of polling place closures, voter ID laws, and the occasional rogue squirrel disrupting ballot boxes just isn't quite exclusionary enough for a truly robust democracy. The filing, submitted with the quiet desperation of a child demanding candy in the checkout aisle, asks the justices to greenlight restrictions on mail-in ballots, mere moments before those very ballots begin their perilous journey through the postal system, past rabid dogs, and into the eager hands of what one can only assume are thoroughly unimpeachable citizens. White House strategists confirmed their commitment to a voting process so cumbersome, only the truly dedicated – or perhaps those with an exceptionally high pain tolerance – will manage to cast a ballot. 'It's about quality, not quantity,' explained a senior advisor, polishing a monocle with a handkerchief made of finely shredded voter rolls. 'We're looking for a highly curated electorate, you see.'