Nation's 250th Birthday Party 'Traumatic' for Unsuspecting Mainer

A federal inter-agency task force, reportedly consisting of “eleven highly motivated middle managers and a guy named Chad,” has confirmed that the entirety of the United States’ 250th birthday celebration will now be outsourced to a single, apparently indefatigable woman in Presque Isle, Maine. Kim Smith, a municipal employee whose job description previously involved “optimizing stapler allocation,” found herself unexpectedly anointed High Priestess of Persistent Festivity after merely suggesting a town parade. Sources close to the newly conscripted architect of national jubilation describe her transformation from mild-mannered office drone to the nation’s sole purveyor of sustained merriment as “both inspiring and deeply, deeply unsettling.” Smith, who has reportedly begun referring to citizens as 'my little celebrants,' has already unveiled a 365-day schedule of compulsory cheer, including daily historical reenactments, mandatory patriotic sing-alongs, and a proposed 'Freedom Flapjack Festival' every Tuesday. Analysts predict the sustained forced gaiety will result in a 300% increase in national eye-rolls and a critical shortage of anti-depressants by year’s end.