Nation Paralysed by Brief Enthusiasm for Kickball; Commissioner Vows Exploitation

America, a nation notoriously allergic to anything resembling disciplined foot-eye coordination, recently experienced a fleeting, eight-year-long planning session culminating in a mild case of 'World Cup Fever.' Experts confirm this peculiar strain manifests primarily as a sudden, inexplicable interest in a sport heretofore only tolerated in schoolyard P.E. classes, quickly followed by amnesia regarding player names and offside rules. MLS Commissioner Don Garber, a man who has clearly mastered the art of protracted corporate anticipation, has been meticulously strategizing to 'capitalize' on this fleeting national delusion. His master plan, we understand, involves tempting Americans with the very concept of *not* immediately forgetting who Lionel Messi is, a Herculean task by any measure. Sources close to the negotiations whisper that Garber’s strategy involves subtly inserting the word 'soccer' into more televised hot dog commercials and possibly commissioning a reality show where D-list celebrities attempt to understand why a 'nil-nil' score isn't a typo. The ultimate goal, per internal memos accidentally left on a park bench next to a discarded 'Football (Soccer)' rulebook, is to harness the residual 'fever' into actual, sustained interest – a feat previously considered less likely than a synchronized ballet troupe performing on the moon. Critics, however, argue that simply adding more branded merchandise that Americans will inevitably confuse with rugby gear might be a slightly more achievable objective.