Nation Holds Breath as 'Totally Independent' AG Confirmed to Rein In... Absolutely No One

In a stunning display of democratic process, the Senate has officially rubber-stamped Todd Blanche as Attorney General, despite a palpable anxiety in the chamber that he might, at some point, consider the possibility of, perhaps, gently requesting that the President briefly pause his current activity. Sources close to the confirmation hearing described an almost poetic dance of legislative theater, where Senators, with all the conviction of a college freshman arguing for a later curfew, articulated their "deeply held concerns" about Blanche's future willingness to enforce laws that might inconvenience the Commander-in-Chief. The prevailing mood, according to one anonymous intern who briefly glimpsed the proceedings through a crack in the door, was akin to asking a house cat to guard the milk – everyone knows it's technically *possible*, but the odds are astronomical and the cat just looks confused. Blanche, having served as acting AG since April, is now poised to bring his unique brand of constitutional adherence, which some scholars are calling 'situational ethics with a side of plausible deniability,' to the highest legal office. The White House, meanwhile, released a statement praising Blanche’s "unwavering commitment to... things that are good for us."