Moscow: Entire FSB Training Budget Now Allocated to 'How Not to Be a Complete Idiot' Seminar

Sources close to the Kremlin — primarily a visibly exasperated janitor overheard muttering into a bucket — confirm that Russia's Federal Security Service (FSB) is reportedly reevaluating its entire espionage curriculum. This seismic shift comes on the heels of operative Alexsander, a man whose geopolitical loyalties are as clear as borscht, expressing his sole regret at being apprehended: 'I got caught.' Insiders suggest the operative, a Ukrainian native with a heart inexplicably pledged to the Motherland (the one currently invading his birthplace), lamented not having deleted a crucial smartphone photo. Apparently, the multi-million-ruble training budget previously dedicated to advanced clandestine tradecraft, dead drops, and poison umbrellas is now being funneled into a single, high-stakes module: 'Phone Hygiene for Non-Morons.' Experts believe future espionage efforts will prioritize 'airplane mode' over 'asset recruitment,' with a new mandatory course, 'The Art of Not Leaving a Digital Breadcrumb Trail the Size of Siberia,' expected to be a runaway success.