Monopoly-Adjacent Health Conglomerates Shocked, APPALLED That States Prefer Competition

In a stunning display of corporate victimhood, an elite triumvirate of health insurance behemoths – UnitedHealth Group, CVS Health, and Cigna – have collectively developed a severe case of the vapours after states dared to suggest they shouldn't control both your health coverage and the entire pharmacy supply chain. Apparently, the notion of allowing actual market forces to dictate drug prices rather than a labyrinthine internal accounting system has sent these multi-billion-dollar entities into a litigation-fueled frenzy, suing multiple states for the gall of attempting to foster 'anti-monopolistic' environments. Sources close to the titans report widespread confusion, with one anonymous executive reportedly exclaiming, "Next, they'll want our 'Pharmacy Benefit Managers' to actually *manage* benefits for the consumer, not just our shareholder returns! The audacity!" Industry analysts largely agree: this is simply an unfortunate symptom of state-level governments misunderstanding the fundamental beauty of highly integrated, slightly-too-large corporate efficiency – a system where everyone *else* pays more, but everything runs so smoothly for the people at the very top.