'Momentum' Defined as 'Still Unclear Who Gets Platner's Old Crayons,' Say Experts

A collective sigh of bewildered indifference swept across Maine this week as former State Senate President Troy Jackson achieved the political equivalent of successfully ordering a coffee without any awkward substitutions: he secured delegate support in half the state's counties. This groundbreaking development means that while it's still anyone's guess who will eventually replace the esteemed Graham Platner (who, by all accounts, was enjoying a perfectly good retirement until the pesky 'replacement' issue arose), Jackson now stands a marginally better chance than, say, a freshly defrosted woolly mammoth. The 'momentum' in question, say political analysts (mostly just folks with strong opinions at the local diner), hinges on the intricate dance of regional delegate selections – a process so byzantine and profoundly uninteresting it makes watching paint dry seem like a gladiatorial spectacle. Sources close to the campaign, who spoke on condition of anonymity because they weren't entirely sure what 'sources close to the campaign' entailed, reported Jackson's camp was 'cautiously optimistic' – a phrase that statistically translates to 'we're still here, and no one has actively told us to leave yet.' Platner, meanwhile, is reportedly enjoying the simple luxury of not having to explain the legislative process to a reporter who clearly just wants to know who gets his old parking spot.