Moderna Pivots from Public Health to Private Wealth, Discovers New Cure: Stock Prices

In a move that has stunned exactly zero market analysts, biotech behemoth Moderna, fresh off its meteoric, then catastrophic, COVID-19 vaccine ride, announced its latest groundbreaking innovation: the ability to generate astronomical profits by simply *intending* to cure cancer. Investors, ever the pragmatists, immediately rallied behind the firm, boosting its stock by a staggering 177% on the sheer promise of future suffering. Apparently, the market's preferred pandemic was merely a warm-up act. Sources close to Moderna's CEO, Stéphane Bancel, who may or may not be the disembodied voice of capital itself, suggest the company realized that curing *all* humanity of a single, time-sensitive illness was far less lucrative than offering bespoke, cutting-edge therapies for something chronic and utterly terrifying. 'Why settle for eradicating a temporary global crisis,' one analyst quipped, 'when you can capitalize indefinitely on humanity's deepest-seated fears?' The company is now reportedly exploring similar investment-boosting initiatives, including 'Project: Eternal Youth (for a select few)' and 'Operation: Make Death Optional (at premium rates).'