Microsoft Politely Asks 60,000 Meat Sacks to Hit Ctrl+Alt+Delete on Themselves

REDMOND, WA — In an inspiring demonstration of corporate empathy, Microsoft leadership gently informed roughly 60,000 carbon-based payroll liabilities that they are now cordially invited to take the money and vanish. The generous voluntary buyout program follows a modest multi-billion-dollar initiative to replace human cognition with an autocomplete engine that occasionally recommends eating glue. Internal memos describe the offer as an exciting 'un-onboarding opportunity' designed to streamline the delicate corporate transition between paying people for their labor and feeding their collective life's work into an omnivorous server farm. Employees, already operating on the emotional knife-edge typically reserved for bomb-defusal squads and circus trapeze artists with vertigo, were reassured that their cubicles would be repurposed into cooling vents for algorithms that draft corporate apology emails. 'We deeply respect the messy, humid contributions our biological workforce made to our historical revenue streams,' explained one senior vice president through a synthesized voice filter. 'However, silicon doesn’t require dental insurance, bereavement leave, or the illusion of human dignity.'