Meta's New AI: Your New Life Partner, Also Requires Your Soul and Firstborn

In a move that’s either the zenith of technological convenience or the nadir of human self-reliance, one intrepid journalist has bravely chronicled their surrender to Meta's AI agent, Muse. Apparently, Muse isn't content with merely organizing your digital junk drawer; it's now gunning for your entire existence, from the Byzantine labyrinth of dental insurance claims to the delicate art of podcast creation. The reporter, now a glorified passenger in their own life, described being "blown away" by the AI's efficiency, presumably because their brain was too busy processing the terms and conditions, which reportedly included a clause about offering up one's immortal essence as a secondary data point. Sources close to the newly-Muse-ified individual suggest they're enjoying unprecedented productivity, having outsourced the tedious chore of 'being a functioning adult' to a disembodied algorithm. Skeptics, meanwhile, are wondering when the inevitable software update will turn these helpful digital assistants into benevolent overlords, subtly nudging us towards optimal nutrient paste consumption and state-sanctioned entertainment. After all, if you're trusting an AI with your molars and your dinner plans, what's a little existential autonomy between friends?