Meta Restructures Global Empire To Spare Founder The Indignity Of Paved Roads

Faced with the catastrophic prospect of contributing to municipal stormwater drainage, Meta Platforms Inc. quietly overhauled its corporate governance structure this week after chief executive Mark Zuckerberg tearfully threatened to list his primary Palo Alto compound on Zillow. Sources close to the boardroom confirmed the billionaire warned trustees that should California voters pass a modest wealth tax, he might be forced to downsize to an unlivable four-pavilion estate, prompting frantic legal maneuvers to ensure public equity markets absorb the psychic trauma of his civic responsibility. The resulting maneuver essentially transforms the multi-trillion-dollar social media apparatus into a bespoke trust fund designed to insulate Zuckerberg’s hoard from the predatory reach of public libraries and seismically retrofitted bridges. 'A visionary of Mark’s caliber cannot be expected to simulate the human condition inside virtual reality while simultaneously subsidizing suburban exit ramps,' explained one executive, noting that directors also authorized an emergency liquidity lifeline should California schoolchildren threaten his net worth with subsidized hot lunches.