Meta Offers 'Therapeutic Scroll' Option After Billion-Dollar Guilt Trip

In a historic act of corporate self-flagellation, Meta has agreed to cough up a staggering $17.1 billion, or roughly 0.0003% of the collective unconscious it's mined, to settle claims that its platforms are more addictive than a freshly unwrapped packet of those tiny shortbread cookies. The tech behemoth, now rebranding its 'endless scroll' as 'mindfulness-adjacent engagement therapy,' will be rolling out revolutionary features like 'Timed Tantrum Notifications' and 'Optional Reality Re-engagement Prompts.' Sources close to Meta, primarily their highly-paid 'Conscience Consultants,' report that Mark Zuckerberg himself is said to be 'deeply moved' by the settlement, having been forced to briefly disconnect from his VR world to sign the checks. He then immediately returned to contemplating a future where humanity is merely a network of interconnected eyeballs, optimized for content delivery and occasional financial transactions. The payout, they assure us, will be primarily used to fund studies on how to make children _more_ resilient to the very platforms the payout is for.