Meta Announces Teens Can Now 'Look Up' From Phone Screens to 'Actually See' Things

Following a landmark settlement, Meta Platforms has magnanimously agreed to implement 'more time limits' and 'enhanced protections' for its youngest, most impressionable users – a move sources say was entirely Meta's idea and not at all prompted by, you know, being sued. While specifics remain as elusive as a coherent thought on TikTok, industry insiders predict these 'limits' will involve sophisticated algorithms gently reminding users, 'Perhaps consider a new posture? Perhaps one that doesn't involve your cervical spine replicating the arc of a well-thrown frisbee?' Teens, long accustomed to their digital pacifiers, are reportedly bracing for the revolutionary concept of 'the outside world,' a fabled place rumored to contain things like 'trees' and 'faces not illuminated by a blue light.' Experts believe this could usher in an unprecedented era of adolescents experiencing genuine, unmediated human interaction, or, failing that, inventing a new app to replicate it, thereby rendering the whole exercise moot.