McConnell Hospitalized: Nation Braces for Potential 'Weekend at Bernie's' Scenario

In news that shocked precisely no one, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell has once again sought inpatient care, according to a spokesman whose vocal cords must by now be permanently etched with the phrase, 'no additional details at this time.' Sources close to the situation (a particularly dusty coat hanging near the Senate cloakroom) suggest the 84-year-old’s current affliction might merely be a mild case of 'extreme temporal displacement,' where one accidentally fast-forwards through several decades of human progress, then tries to legislate it anyway. Doctors are reportedly concerned about his 'acute susceptibility to gravity,' a common ailment among those attempting to defy the physical and political laws of nature for an extended period. Lobbyists for various healthcare consortiums have already initiated a bidding war over who gets to foot the bill, viewing it as prime advertising for their 'We Can Prolong Anything' suite of services. The Democratic Party, meanwhile, has issued a statement of 'sincere concern and hope for a speedy… retirement,' subtly implying that perhaps some things should indeed be allowed to, you know, conclude.