Massachusetts Senate Race Descends Into Existential Ageism, Voters Confused by Candidates Both Older Than the Internet

It appears the political landscape of Massachusetts has finally achieved peak boomer, with the state's Senate primary pitting an octogenarian incumbent against a challenger who, while technically 'younger,' still boasts a birth year that predates Netscape Navigator. Sources close to the campaign, mostly nursing home residents who still use dial-up, report profound confusion over which candidate represents the 'future,' given that both are old enough to remember when 'climate change' was just called 'weather.' Representative Seth Moulton, a spry 45-year-old by Congressional standards (which is to say, he can still type with more than two fingers), is attempting to unseat Senator Ed Markey, who, at 78, has apparently achieved a state of political photosynthesis, drawing energy directly from the Capitol Building's air conditioning system. Voters, meanwhile, are left grappling with the horrifying realization that 'generational change' in politics might simply mean electing someone who started their career when fax machines were still considered cutting-edge. Political analysts, themselves mostly millennials contemplating early retirement, predict the race will ultimately be decided by whoever can most convincingly pretend to understand TikTok without actually having to use it.