Maine Poll Suggests Susan Collins May Be, Shockingly, a Human Being

A recent poll has thrown the hallowed halls of political prognostication into a state of delightful disarray, indicating that Senator Susan Collins might, in fact, retain her seat. This utterly baffling revelation has pollsters everywhere clutching their clipboards and muttering about 'outliers' versus 'omens' – as if the populace of Maine were some inscrutable, ancient oracle rather than just a collection of individuals with opinions. Experts, who had previously declared her political career deader than a fax machine convention, are now forced to reconcile their meticulously crafted statistical models with the inconvenient truth that actual voters occasionally do the unexpected, thereby undermining the entire quantitative industrial complex. The general consensus among the pundit class is that this poll is either a statistical fluke of cosmic proportions, a glitch in the Matrix, or perhaps, most terrifyingly, an accurate reflection of voter sentiment that defies all 'common sense' punditry. One senior analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity, confessed, 'We had her penciled in for an immediate transfer to the Department of Redundant Bureaucracy. This… this changes everything. We might actually have to *think* about what voters want again.' The horror.