Macron Pledges 'Blood' in Bold New European Union Smoothie Initiative

In a move that has simultaneously baffled and exhilarated Brussels, French President Emmanuel Macron declared this week that Europe would defend itself 'with blood, if necessary.' Sources close to the Elysée Palace, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being added to the 'necessary' list, confirm that Macron’s declaration is part of a broader, yet-to-be-unveiled 'Pan-European Vitality Protocol.' Analysts speculate that this protocol involves a new series of highly fortified, nutrient-rich beverages designed to boost collective 'European Spirit,' with a special, 'robust' ingredient rumored to be sourced directly from the continent's most fervent patriots. Critics are already questioning the sustainability of such a defense strategy, particularly given the EU's notoriously complex procurement processes, which could leave the continent dangerously short of essential bodily fluids during critical moments. Meanwhile, Germany expressed 'mild concern' regarding the fine print of potential intra-continental blood-sharing agreements, while Italy merely offered to make it taste better. The official launch, reportedly featuring a highly anticipated 'Gallic Guzzle' flavor, is expected at the next 'Summit of Exuberant Commitments' in Paris.