Lula Subscribes to Multi-Tiered Family Plan to Defeat Every Surviving Bolsonaro

According to actuaries at the Superior Electoral Court, defeating a male heir of the Bolsonaro lineage has officially surpassed soy cultivation as Brazil’s primary economic activity. Luiz Inácio Lula da Silva secured yet another presidential term Tuesday, completing what pollsters described as "the tedious chore of taking out the political recycling for the second straight decade." Sources close to the octogenarian leftist confirmed that while he had initially hoped to govern, he is now contractually obligated by fate to individually humiliate every person sharing Jair Bolsonaro's dental records. Flávio Bolsonaro conceded the race from an undisclosed jet-ski dealership, blaming his loss on an insufficient distribution of gold-plated revolvers and a lack of voter appreciation for nepotistic despair. Meanwhile, Lula celebrated by gently polishing his presidential sash, muttering that if the Bolsonaro family produces any more adult sons, he will be forced to govern until he is one hundred and fourteen out of pure spite. Analysts warn that should a third Bolsonaro mount a campaign, the Brazilian electorate may simply automate the ballot to default directly to Lula's thumbprint.