Judicial Branch Declares 'No Take-Backs' on Existential Legal Quandaries

In a move hailed by those who find legal precedent a needlessly complex burden on their brunch schedules, a federal appeals court has gracefully pirouetted away from determining whether a former President can, hypothetically speaking, declare American citizens 'alien enemies' and then detain them indefinitely without charge. The court, citing what sources close to the judiciary described as 'a sudden, overwhelming urge to alphabetize their spice rack,' dismissed the long-running case. Legal scholars across the nation, many of whom had just finished meticulously highlighting their copies of the Alien Enemies Act, expressed bewilderment, while others praised the judiciary's innovative approach to conflict resolution via strategic non-engagement. 'Why grapple with profound constitutional crises when you can simply... not?' mused one anonymous justice, reportedly seen applying a fresh coat of WD-40 to his chamber door. The decision effectively kicks the can of fundamental liberties down a very, very long road, presumably past several constitutional amendments, and perhaps even into the next geological epoch.