Iran Announces New Enrichment Program: 'Barely' Enough to Power a Really, Really Tiny Flashlight

Global nuclear disarmament took a historic leap backward this week as the Trump White House triumphantly declared a 'victory' in its endless diplomatic ballet with Iran. Apparently, President Trump secured a solemn pinky-swear from Tehran to 'suspend' uranium enrichment, presumably until they get bored or run out of snacks. Details on the duration of this unprecedented cessation were, naturally, as clear as a mud wrestling match in a blizzard, leading cynics to speculate that 'suspension' might be less a promise and more an inconvenient pause to sharpen their centrifuges. Meanwhile, Iranian officials, always ones for a good chuckle, are reportedly spinning this as their own 'victory,' claiming they've successfully 'negotiated permission' to not enrich for an indeterminate period, thus proving their commitment to non-proliferation by not proliferating at this exact second. Analysts are calling it the 'Schrödinger's Enrichment' principle: Iran is simultaneously enriching and not enriching until the box is opened, or, more accurately, until anyone actually bothers to check.