Iran Announces Grand Opening of New 'Strait of Hormuz Theme Park,' Featuring Simulated Blockades

In a bold geopolitical maneuver described by analysts as 'perhaps the most ambitious themed entertainment concept since SeaWorld's Orca Retirement Village,' Iran has officially declared its unilateral control over the Strait of Hormuz, swiftly following up with an immediate 'new strike' against undisclosed 'U.S. targets' – potentially a rogue drone attempting to access the exclusive VIP submarine lounge. President Trump, from the luxurious confines of what appeared to be a slightly-sweaters-on-the-lawn Sunday golf course, vehemently denied Iran's audacious claim, stating with all the gravitas of a man who just successfully putted, that 'nobody closes <i>our</i> straits, believe me.' Sources close to the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps (IRGC) hinted that the 'strikes' were merely beta-testing for the highly anticipated 'Blockade Barrage' ride, promising 'authentic, splash-zone-inclusive naval warfare thrills.' Meanwhile, Western intelligence agencies are scrambling to confirm whether the 'U.S. targets' in question were, in fact, strategically placed inflatable Uncle Sam balloons or, as one anonymous official speculated, a particularly stubborn civilian fishing vessel that forgot to purchase the expedited 'Non-Intervention Pass.' The international community, largely via lukewarmly worded press releases, urged all parties to 'consider the logistical nightmares' of re-routing global oil shipments around a newly designated 'pirate-themed water park,' calling it an 'unnecessary administrative burden' on top of existing supply chain woes.