Internal Memo Confirms DNC Now Operating on 'Emotional Eruptions' Budget

Washington—Sources from within the Democratic National Committee (DNC) regretfully confirm what many already suspected: the party's primary campaign strategy has officially devolved from 'data-driven' to 'phone-thrown.' A leaked email, promptly retracted and then accidentally forwarded to a major cable news network's entire staff, outlines a new, decentralized approach where policy decisions are now made by which staffer manages to hurl their device furthest across the room without sustaining a career-ending injury. This groundbreaking methodology, dubbed 'Orbital Policy Generation,' is reportedly a direct response to persistent funding shortfalls and an escalating sense of existential dread that has permeated party headquarters with the vigor of an over-fertilized compost pile. Insiders report that, while less efficient than traditional brainstorming, the occasional shattered iPhone does provide a much-needed jolt of adrenaline, and 'honestly, at least it’s a decision being made,' according to one intern who heroically dodged a flying tablet. The DNC is currently seeking innovative ways to monetize these 'emotional expenditures,' possibly through a 'Pledge 100 iPads' campaign or by selling 'Authentic DNC Frustration Fragments' on eBay.