Intel Stunned To Learn Technology Industry Involves Producing High Technology

Executives at Intel Corp. reportedly spent Friday morning staring blankly at balance sheets, deeply offended that the entire global economy had pivoted toward hyper-advanced computational architecture without first consulting their massive inventory of lukewarm desktop processors. The Santa Clara chipmaker saw its market valuation evaporate by a fifth after acknowledging that enterprise hyperscalers are hogging capital budgets, leaving practically no commercial appetite for beige office towers designed solely to run PowerPoint at room-temperature velocities. "We had a perfectly workable arrangement where we shrunk the exact same silicon die by three nanometers every five years and charged corporations eight hundred dollars for the privilege," muttered one visibly haggard vice president, struggling to explain why billions in federal subsidies had produced little beyond an impressive collection of gold-plated ceremonial groundbreaking shovels. The company hastily assured shell-shocked institutional investors that the downturn was merely transitional, promising an aggressive, multi-billion-dollar restructuring plan to dominate whichever lucrative computing revolution thoroughly concludes around 2038.