Insurers Unveil 'Aggressive Cost-Saving Initiative' After Executive's Sudden Departure

Following the tragic and, frankly, *unprecedentedly* literal departure of UnitedHealth executive Brian Thompson, insurance behemoths across the nation have collectively decided that their current profit margins simply aren't robust enough to withstand the emotional toll of, well, *anything*. Insiders suggest the industry is reeling from the sheer audacity of policyholders expecting their claims to be paid without first enduring a Byzantine labyrinth of denial codes, each more creatively Kafkaesque than the last. Sources close to the actuarial tables—which, we're told, are now being guarded by highly compensated trauma counselors—confirm that premiums will require a 'courageous upward adjustment' to offset the newly identified 'risk factor of *direct personal accountability*.' Apparently, the cost of installing bulletproof glass in all C-suite offices and hiring a dedicated team of 'empathy coaches' (who will, naturally, be reimbursed at an exorbitant hourly rate via your copay) is not insignificant. Industry spokespeople were unavailable for comment, citing prior engagements with their grief counselors and investment bankers, respectively.