Hormuz Strait: Iran Demands Gold-Plated Rubber Duckies, US Considers

In a move that surprised precisely no one who has ever interacted with a toddler, Iran's Supreme National Security Council has issued a 'list of demands' for the reopening of the strategically vital Strait of Hormuz. Sources close to the negotiations, who wish to remain anonymous for fear of being forced to listen to revolutionary poetry, report that these demands include an immediate cessation of all 'annoying American humming,' a personal apology from the ghost of Elvis Presley, and the construction of a solid-gold bridge over the Strait, complete with artisanal, gluten-free snack kiosks every five meters. While international shipping remains somewhat inconveniently halted, a State Department spokesperson, whose eye twitches now operate independently, confirmed that the US is 'carefully reviewing' these terms. 'We believe in diplomacy,' stated the spokesperson, 'even when it involves trying to source a historically accurate, yet tastefully bedazzled, tiara for a leader who may or may not be planning to wear it while riding a unicorn made of pure thought.' Experts suggest that should these negotiations fail, the world's oil supply might be rerouted via a series of highly flammable, helium-filled balloons piloted by particularly skilled hamsters, or perhaps, simply evaporate out of sheer existential dread.