Homeland Security Sec. 'Safely' Redirected to Less Critical Airspace (Like Nebraska)

In a truly shocking display of bureaucratic efficiency, it was reported this week that a U.S. Homeland Security official's plane, for reasons presumably too terrifying to disclose, managed to initiate an emergency landing. This incident, sources confirm, occurred near Washington D.C.'s famously serene and uncongested airspace, where it is absolutely unheard of for anything even mildly inconvenient to happen to a high-ranking individual. Experts are now debating whether the 'emergency' was a genuine mechanical failure or simply the pilot's desperate attempt to escape a particularly egregious PowerPoint presentation on 'Synergy in Cross-Departmental Preparedness Initiatives.' The near-catastrophic event highlights a growing, yet entirely ignored, trend: senior government officials finding themselves in airborne predicaments that, while alarming, rarely involve them doing anything remotely resembling 'work.' Critics suggest that perhaps instead of having emergency landings, these officials should instead experience emergency 'take-offs' to regions where their presence is actually beneficial. The unnamed official was reportedly unharmed, though sources close to the situation say they briefly considered having to interact with common citizens during the emergency, a prospect deemed more harrowing than a dual-engine failure.